SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.FAULT: Glass empty.ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.FAULT: Improper bladder control.ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Floor moving.FAULT: You are being carried out.ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.FAULT: You have fallen over backward.ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.FAULT: You have fallen forward.ACTION: See above.SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.FAULT: Bar has closed.ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.