Tons of Funny One-liners!

More One-liners worth passing on...
Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.In two words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. S$$T HAPPENS!.Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.The best vitamin for making friends: B1.If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.You'll never be the man your mother was!Drive defensively. Buy a tank.Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.